My imagination has always been my best friend. I had imaginary friends as early as I can remember. As I grew older, my imagination served me well as I blossomed into writing and creating. I never realized how much my imagination would heal me as I imagined you.
You were a brand new perfect little baby when I laid eyes on you, but now as I think of you, you are a rambunctious little 4, maybe 5 year old. Each morning when I wake, I open the blinds in our living room and admire the sun rising in the east. We have a large, very aged tree in our front yard that sits just in line with the sunrise. I imagine you at that tree. I am sure you would have loved playing around it. You're always crouched down looking at a bug or picking up a stick. Then I hear little boy giggles as you run around the corner hiding from mommy.
I love to imagine you. I love talking to you. You are a short little thing with thick strawberry blonde curls. You wear a little white shirt with blue jeans rolled up to your ankles. And you're always barefoot. Silly boy.
On the day we were heading to the hospital to have you, your daddy did something so very sweet. He posted the song "Baby Mine" on Facebook to let everyone know that you were on your way. That song has always been my favorite, but its been so many years since I've heard the song that I had forgotten how much I loved it. It really touched my heart.
Today my mom and dad, your Neena and Poppy, took me to the Temple. It was cold and misty out. I wanted to go to the Temple, but the weather made me just want to be a depressed couch potato. On our way, a deer jumped out in front of us and hit the side of Neena's van. I just felt so sad. Why can they never catch a break? I really wanted to turn around and go home, but Neena and Poppy insisted that everything was okay and that we should continue our trip to Columbia. They were certain that being in such a spiritual place would help my breaking heart. I knew it too, but for some reason I just really wanted to stay on the couch today. Without my knowing, our Bishop had informed others at the Temple of our visit, so we were greeted at the door by some of my most beloved leaders from past and present. At first I didn't realize that anyone knew, so I just acted like nothing was wrong and I was there for a typical visit. I don't know why I do that. A defense mechanism, I guess. When the Temple Matron came up to me and told me she had heard of my loss, I realized they were all there for me. I cried happy tears. I felt such love in such a perfect place.
The session at the Temple that day was so powerful. I tried hard to choke back tears on many occasions. I kept seeing you, little boy. Again, I understand it was my own imaginings, but it felt real enough to feel so good. As we progressed from room to room, I could almost truly see your little scampering feet as you ran in and out of all those who were present that day. As soon as those little feet were out of sight, I could hear you giggling and your little voice saying, "Come on, Mommy!" You were always just enough ahead of me that I couldn't see your face. I never get to see your face. When we entered the Celestial room, your sweet little voice stopped and I felt you jump into my soul. I felt so close to you, not like I was chasing you anymore. My mind and my heart was so clear. Its exactly what I needed. Since you've been gone, I've felt so muddled. The most beautiful thing was that "Baby Mine" played over and over in my head as I sat in the Celestial room. I haven't had that song in my head since the day we went to the hospital. It was beautiful and it played so clearly. I don't even know all the words, yet the song played perfectly over and over.
After we left the Temple, we went to the Temple bookstore. I was looking around for something to remember my visit. There wasn't much that stood out to me today. I figured I would go look at the music CDs. Its been a while since I've bought music. One CD caught my eye,
"Baby Mine: Lullabies for Bedtime"
What are the chances? I've realized that there are no coincidences. God intends. I love Him so much. Give Him a squeeze and tell Him I said thank you from the bottom of my broken heart. I'm glad I got off the couch today. Had I not, Satan would have succeeded in keeping me from my sweet little boy and from realizing again and again that our God is so gracious.Love,
Mommy
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