The Day After

January 28, 2011
Yesterday was the most amazing day of my life. It was the happiest and the saddest day all rolled into one. It was the birth and the death of our first born son, Charles Patrick. This morning, when I woke up, I was emotionally very somber. We had a lot to do today. KC and I had to plan our son's funeral and purchase burial plots. Things no one should have to do the day after the birth of their child.
I've been struggling with anxiety also. I am terrified that people are going to flood our home to visit and I just don't want to see anyone right now. Its so hard. I know they mean well, but right now I just want to be alone with my husband.
KC and I planned our sweet child's graveside service. Mark, KC's brother, came into town to help us make arrangements. KC really needed him. It was such a blessing to me also. KC had to go meet with the funeral director to make the service arrangements and discuss buying burial plots. I'm so glad I didn't have to go. There are two main cemeteries in this little ole town. KC has an emotional attachment to one. It is where his father is buried and where his mother will be buried. I, on the other hand, have an emotional attachment to the othe. It is where my family's plots are located. More so than our families plots, I feel a deep emotional connection to this cemetery because it is located only 3 blocks from our home.
I walk by this cemetery every day in the warm weather months. How amazing and beautiful it would be to be able to visit my son so easily. I need him near me. I can't read my husband very well on the matter. I know he wants the other cemetery, but I'm not sure how badly. I don't want to take away from his wants and needs for our baby. But every time I thought about burying Charles Patrick anywhere else, I cried big tears. I know deep down it does not matter where I lay his earthly body. It is not where he is. But I still could not deny the yearnings of my heart.
KC called me from the funeral home's office to tell me the price differences in the two cemeteries. My choice was considerably more expensive, but he said he wanted to go with my choice. My heart pounded fast. I knew he much preferred the opposite cemetery, and I didn't want him to make a fast decision he would regret.

No Regrets.

That was our pact in the hospital. Whatever decisions we made, we would make them together with no regrets. Most women would probably just accept the offer from their husbands and just be glad they got their way, but not me. I always feel guilty when KC sacrifices his own wants for my sake. I want to be able to sacrifice for him also, but I just couldn't shake the feelings that I needed Charles Patrick near me.  KC reassured me that it was what he wanted too. 

When I got off the phone, I just cried. How did I get blessed with such a wonderful man? I love him so much. I know this is a great sacrifice of his own feelings just to make me happy. I am so grateful.

At 3:15pm, we went to pick out our burial plots. We don't want our son to be buried alone, so we purchased our own plots for ourselves. We went to the front part of the cemetery located right on College Drive. It is a partly cloudy day and a little chilly, but the clouds weren't thick at all. They were just barely covering the sun. The man showed us the first plot. I liked it. It was under a big tree and I am always partial to trees. He pointed up the hill to the other plot and, at first glance, I figured I'd probably just choose the spot there under the tree. We walked up the hill and he showed us the second plot choice. At that very moment, the sun came out from behind the clouds and warmed my face. I didn't have to choose anymore. Charles Patrick just chose for me. 

All my life, when I am sad, confused, or really just anytime, I have found peace, comfort, and answers from Heavenly Father in a very unique way. There have been so many times when I've been outside among nature or driving in my car, and the sun will peek through the leaves of a tree or come through a cloud. I can feel the warmth on my face and I imagine it is Heavenly Father cupping His Hands around my face and saying, 

"Peace, my little one. I hear your prayers and all will be well."

I've found myself on many occasions searching for the sun to feel that warmth and feel that beautiful feeling again and again. And now here I am, picking out a place to bury my son's sweet little body, and the sun comes out as our feet reach that burial place. 

It makes me wonder....all those beautiful moments? Were they just my son's spirit leading me to the path that would bring him to this Earth? Was it him all the time? I know he has watched over me throughout my life. I've always felt him. I've always felt that my children watched over me from Heaven, leading and guiding me to the path that would bring them to Earth. 

Sweet tender mercies. I am so sad today, but I'm so thankful. My son has a great mission, but it isn't on this Earth. He has a mission beyond the veil to do for our Father in Heaven. I wonder what tasks the Lord has put him to work to do? I know he would have been a busy body and a perfectionist. Heavenly Father has great things in store for him. I know it. I'm so honored to be his mother.