Thursday, October 25, 2012

Blow to the Gut

January 5, 2011
I had a doctor's appointment at the regular office today. I was seeing a different doctor in the office that I have not seen yet. I will have a test done called the Group B Strep. It is a bacteria that a mommy can carry that isn't harmful for her, but it can be very harmful, even deadly, for baby. If I test positive for this test, I will need to take an antibiotic during labor to keep you safe.
He did his usual check-up, we talked for a minute, and then he started to leave the room. I said, "Oh wait, I think we were supposed to do the Group B Strep today."
He paused and turned back toward me. His response was unexpected. He said, "The question in this case is....
Is it necessary?
Throughout this whole journey, I've done my best to trust the doctors. That's all I can do, really. I have to trust them. They are the experts. I'm just the one carrying the baby. I'm going to need their help to get you here. So I didn't say anything. 
I left the doctor's office heartbroken, but also completely flabbergasted. Is it necessary? Is it necessary? By the time I get to my car, the tears are flowing freely 
Baby, there is not much I can do for you in your condition, but one thing I CAN do is provide you with a healthy delivery! I was so sad all day. I know that the odds are against us, baby, but there's still hope that you will be born alive. I've gotten so much positive news lately that I truly believe I'm going to be able to smell your sweet breath on that special day and look into your sleepy eyes and introduce myself to you as your momma. Face to face. I can feel it. Well, what if you get here safe and sound, you are sustaining life like we all hope, then you die because of a bacteria that I did not prevent! I couldn't live with myself. I would be the reason you were gone, not your condition. As I have grown into this whole suit called Mommyhood, I have realized that while you have no voice, I must be your voice! I've never been one to speak up. I'm too trusting. I can't just let this go. I can't just not have this test because one doctor thinks its not necessary. 
I called our Perinatal Support Nurse from Perinatal Comfort Care. She is the most beautiful angel that's been sent to me on this journey. She's the one we met in Greenville that day that gave me the notebook and so much hope. I keep in touch with her often just because she's such a good source of information and basically, a friend who understands. She felt just like I did. It is so necessary. I was relieved that someone with medical expertise also shared my sadness in today's happenings. She made me promise her that I would make an appointment with a doctor I trusted to do the test. So I did. January 11th. One thing she said to me that really stood out and touched my heart was...
"Together - we can change the culture of how doctors feel about babies like Charles Patrick."
I loved that. I would love to help other mommies who have babies like you. You have completely changed me. I see life and motherhood so differently now. Thank you, son. 


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