Foreshadowings

September 5, 2010

I love my dreams; they are so vivid. I have all of my senses in my dreams. I can even smell and taste in them. That's just amazing to me. In the beginning of this pregnancy, before I knew anything about you, I had a few dreams. I am amazed and how they have foreshadowed everything that has happened. I didn't write about them before because they were quite scary. I understand them now, so I wanted to share them. 

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The first dream I had about you was just a quick portion of a dream. I dreamed you and I were swimming in a raging ocean. I have no idea how we got there, but we were being tossed about in the tempest. It was dark and so stormy, it would have even been scary if we were in a boat. Land was no where near in sight. You were in my arms and I was trying frantically to keep you above the surface, but the crashing waves kept beating us down. I knew how to hold my breath and I was dying inside knowing that you could be drowning in my own arms. I woke up in a panic. Your daddy even sat up in bed to see if I was okay. I didn't like that dream at all. 

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The second dream about you was very different, yet still as disturbing. I dreamed we were at Aunt Summer's house. You were a little older than an infant. We were playing with all sorts of toys. I looked over at you and you were making a weird face as if something was wrong. I ran over to you and you opened your mouth. A small toy was lodged in the back of your throat. I tried terribly to reach in and grab it, but the toy had already passed through your mouth and was so far back in your throat that I couldn't reach it. I watched you gasp and gasp for air, and there was nothing I could do but watch you struggle until the ambulance got there. 

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Since we've found out about your condition, I've wondered where my mother's instinct is. Why don't I have a feeling about how you are doing? It has driven me a little crazy because I long to just have that feeling that I can look doctors square in the face and say, "WE are going to be fine!" But I haven't had that. Today as I was just sitting and pondering what to write about, I remembered these dreams. How funny and ironic. My dreams were about you. I didn't realize it was you at the time. I know now why I had such terrifying dreams. If you notice, my dreams were about me trying to save you with no avail. My dreams were about the panic and the despair of knowing that you are dying before my eyes. Now I see that I did have some mother's intuition. I've had it all along and I didn't even know it. I know its sad, baby boy. It was sad to write about it too. 

Love  you! Send me some sweet dreams, 

Mommy