I'd Give You My Heart, But You Already Have It

November 18, 2010
Thank goodness today finally came!! I have waited and waited and waited. First let me back up and tell you a little bit that has passed. We've had two baby showers so far. Holy moly, Charles Patrick, you are LOVED! I'm sure you remember that I was frightened, at first, to even accept a shower. I hate for people to spend their money on us and we don't even know what's going to happen when you get here. The economy is tough these days, and I know that everyone is working hard to make ends meet. I'd be so thankful for that set of bottles, but what if you need a feeding tube? I'd be floored if someone bought me that car seat, but what if you never come home? These are the daily inner battles I would fight. Shortly after that visit to the Temple, I asked myself, "Where's my faith?"
What if you do come home? Am I willing to have nothing prepared? Do I have such little faith in you that I'm not going to get our home ready for you? Where's my faith that you WILL come home? That changed everything, baby boy. That's why I went all out with your nursery. You are coming home and Mommy and Daddy's faith will bring you here!
The gifts have been amazing. Everyone has been very thoughtful about what to give to you. I've received keepsakes and necessities. I couldn't have asked for more. I've received a crepe myrtle and daffodil bulbs to plant in our yard on your behalf. I've received jewelry with your name on it. Journals, picture frames, photo albums, blankets embroidered with your name, such beautiful, wonderful gifts that matter not whether you come home or not. We've also received the necessities: diapers, wipes, clothes, soaps, lotions. You name it! I feel so blessed, overwhelmed even. Its not just our faith that will bring you here, its EVERYONE'S! I can't believe how much you have touched lives and you have yet to take a breath. That makes me feel so happy to be the mommy of such a precious spirit. I can't wait for you to be that miracle that changes hearts.
Well, as I was saying, I've been waiting an eternity for today. We are finally back at the high-risk doctor for our ultrasound to check on you. We had to wait 6 weeks. I really don't like going that long without taking a peek at my baby.
Our appointment was at 7:30am, the first appointment of the day! I hope we get called back quickly. I'm so curious about this clinic. It is always full. Do all these women have something wrong with their babies? I don't dare ask, but it makes me so curious and so sad at the same time. Our appointments have normally been scheduled at 3:00pm after school. There has always been such a crowd that daddy and I wanted to trying coming at 7:30am. Still a crowd! So very curious.
Finally we get called back and we start the ultrasound. She took lots of pictures and measurements. The nurses never say much during the ultrasound, we just have to wait for the doctor to debrief us afterwards in the tiny room that faces the red brick building.
The whole time the nurse was taking your pictures, her head was right in my view of the monitor. I was getting so irritated, I wanted to tell her to move her fat head. But that would be ugly, so I didn't say it. :) Being polite and holding our tongue is something mommy will teach you, sweet boy. Hehe.
You were so sweet. You had your little hands together and you kept putting them by your face and under your chin. You looked like a little angel....which you are! You are my perfect little angel.
After the ultrasound, mommy and daddy went back to the room with the two chairs, the box of tissues, and the window that faces the red brick building. We saw a different doctor today. There are 3 doctors in this office and we love them all! This doctor is very thorough. He tells me everything, and I love it! I sometimes have a hard time keeping up with his medical talk, but somehow I take it all in. I want to know everything about you.
Daddy likes him a lot too because they talk about football. Your Daddy! I can't take him anywhere. The doctor also told him he looked like Matthew Fox. HA! Hubba Hubba, daddy!
We got lots of information about you. You are one pound and thirteen ounces. You are small, but that is typical for Trisomy 18 babies. Mommy has a clot in her umbilical cord, which hinders your blood flow. They said that all of your internal organs look good, except  your heart.
This made me wonder. Should I change your birth plan? Should I opt for that immediate surgery? If the only thing wrong is your heart, couldn't it be fixed or helped? They do heart transplants and open-heart surgeries all the time! So I asked the doctor and his face said it all. I guess he didn't really need to tell me that he felt our current birth plans were still the best option. :(
This whole journey is a question mark. Will you live? Will you come home? What will life be like? Will you be stillborn? Will I miscarry before even having the chance for any of the above? Well today finally gave us an answer. I'm so sorry, Booboo. I wish I could make it all better. I know I could override the doctor's opinions and have them operate or provide a transplant, but the odds of the transplant working are very, very slim. There is another baby out there who would survive with that heart. I hope you understand why we must make this sacrifice. As much as I want you to live, as much as I will do anything to save you, I can't take from another sweet spirit who is more likely to benefit from the organ transplant. Trisomy 18 affects every cell in your body, and there's just no way we can fix every single cell.
So today was sad news again, but Mommy's okay. I cry when I think about it, but I smile when I think about YOU! It just comes natural. No matter the news, good or bad, you make me 100% happy. I still can't wait to meet you. I'm 29 weeks along. The typical gestation of a T18 baby is 31 weeks and mother's usually miscarry. Hang in there, baby boy! I love you.
Love,
Mommy