Doctors and More Doctors

September 20, 2010
Hello sweet baby boy. I love you. I thought about you a lot today. I had a doctor's appointment with our regular doctor today. We have lots of doctors. There is the high-risk office where we have 3 different doctors. We go there every three weeks to do an ultrasound. They look at your growth and all your organs to see how you are doing. I like going to those doctors because they know so much about you already. They are really nice and I like being able to talk about you. It seems that at our regular office, everyone is quiet around me. Its a little strange. Believe me, I'd rather talk about you straight up instead of everyone dancing around the idea and hiding behind a smile. It makes me feel better to know about you even if they are telling me something bad.
At the regular office, we see a great doctor. He has been my doctor for years and I really like him. There are more doctors in the office that I'm not so sure about. We have to rotate in our appointments and see every doctor in case I go into labor and our doctor is not on duty. Its a routine thing, but I've been warned that some doctors do not think it is suitable to continue the pregnancy of a baby in your condition. Really? Some people think I need to abort my child just because he's not perfect? I bet they are not perfect. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about. I was asked the question several times by doctors and friends. "Are you going to keep the baby?"
Is that a question? Is that really a question? The sad part was it was at my most vulnerable, emotional state, so I think I actually wondered, "Should I keep him?"
I'm sorry I ever thought that, Charles Patrick. I was blind at the time, blinded by my sadness and despair. I'm so thankful that I had the faith to pray. I knew Heavenly Father would get me through this. I actually had the thought that I was doing this all for nothing. I was continuing a pregnancy to have no child in my arms. I'm so grateful that God helped me see that you ARE MY CHILD! I didn't get pregnant with you for nothing. Something great, something big is going to happen because of this. I don't know what it is or even understand it at all, but something grand is bound to happen. I love you. I'm thankful God kept my eyes on the straight and narrow.
Well, as I was saying, we are here to see our regular doctor. Its the first time I've seen him since we found out about you. When he came into the room, he put his hand on my shoulder and said, "So I hear you guys have heard some rough news."
Tears welled up in my eyes because I know he really cares about me AND YOU! I hope you'll be able to meet him sometime. He brought up two very important decisions that he wants me and daddy to think about.
The first one is if I want a C-section. Oh I hope I don't have to do that. I promise I will do whatever it takes to get you here safely, but I really don't want them to have to cut me. Its not that I'm scared, but I've always dreamed about the birthing experience. I've waited so long to get to experience how God intends on new life coming to this Earth. I know it may happen. I'll do it if I have to, but I hope that I can give birth to you.
Secondly, he told us to consider and be aware of what survival surgeries we are willing to do when you are born. I guess it hit home because sometimes I forget you are sick. I'm scared to make those decisions, sweet baby! I'll be strong for you. I know Heavenly Father will make me strong for you. I just want to do what is best.
So needless to say, I was quite emotional. To make myself feel better, I went to Target and registered for lots of goodies for you and your nursery. :) I love getting ready for you. I love you so much.
Love,
Mommy