Tuesday, October 9, 2012

New Life

September 4, 2010
This weekend was the 50th anniversary our church celebrated in our beautiful church building. Aunt Summer is the Ward Activity Director, so last night daddy and I went to church to celebrate with ice cream, fireworks, and a movie. No one knows about you yet, little boy. I just can't stand the thought of telling one and then retelling and retelling everyone, what a miserable night that would be. It was tough being around everyone knowing my secret and trying to act normal.
Instead of sticking around Gaffney for today's festivities for the anniversary, I took off to the beautiful Columbia, SC Temple. I went by myself. Not exactly sure if I wanted to be alone, yet at the same time I wanted to be alone. I just wanted to be by myself and think.
I cried the majority of the 1 1/2 hour drive to Columbia. I listened to the local Christian radio station and the music was just so touching. It was a beautiful day also, strikingly beautiful. The kind of Fall day that I crave. It has been sweltering hot all Summer long, so a day of cool breezes, a Carolina blue sky, and sunshine like melted butter was just what I needed. It is days like this that I feel closest to Heavenly Father. He knew I needed a day like today. That was part of the reason for my tears too, grateful tears for such a sweet and simple tender mercy to get me through the day.
I got to the temple and quickly changed. I remember the nervousness I felt just a little over a month ago when I came for the first time. I enjoyed the session so much. I got emotional only 2 or 3 times. As it was almost time to enter the Celestial room, I thought I heard a voice that sounded so sweet and so familiar. When I looked, it was President Sanders. When I was in Youth, he was our stake president. A familiar and very loved face. I wanted so badly to just fall into his arms and cry as I was so thankful for a familiar face on a lonely day. Another tender mercy. Heavenly Father is very close today.
The Celestial room is a beautiful room that is exactly as its name, its celestial. It is a place of pondering and praying. Its beauty mimics that of what Heaven MUST be like. I spent a considerable amount of time there. I wanted feelings. I can't help but want a feeling about what is to come. I want to know if you will be born alive. I want to know if you'll be taken early. Not only do I want the feelings as in notions, but I want to feel you also. I am 20 weeks pregnant and I still have yet to feel you move. The doctors say that you have an excessive amount of amniotic fluid around you and that is why I have a hard time feeling your movements. But maybe just a tiny one? Just give me a little nudge and let me know you are still there? I sat there and prayed and waited and prayed for those feelings, but none of them came.
One reassurance did come.
I was blessed to know that you are alive right now. You are alive and this is your life. Live my life as if that is so. 
How beautiful. No more down in the dumps for me. No more, "Should I prepare?" YES! I will prepare. I'm having a baby! I will prepare just as I had planned before all this happened. Its time to get ready for your arrival. I am halfway through this pregnancy, and this second half is going to be a beautiful time. I've never felt so good and so motivated.
I went to the temple bookstore afterwards. I got two things. One is a Willow Tree angel. It is an angel carrying a baby boy because an angel is carrying you right now, sweet one. I also got a book. Just a little over a month ago, when I was here last, I came to the bookstore and was drawn to a certain section of books. I stood there reading the book titles and didn't understand why I felt so compelled to look the books over. The book section was "Children who die as Infants". Today I went back to that same shelf and realized why I was so drawn to those books. It was because of you. You brought me here to the Temple. You brought me to these books. Before I even knew anything about you, you knew me and you knew exactly how to reach me. I bought the book that I had my eye on that day. It is called Angel Children.
The drive home again was emotional. But today was a great day! I'm so thankful for the great love that I felt from Heavenly Father. I know that you are one special little spirit. You are going to touch so many lives. I am proud that God chose me as your mother.
Love you, baby boy,


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