Saturday, October 6, 2012

Needing a Feeling

August 26, 2010
Today we got to meet with the genetics counselor. I wasn't sure what to expect or how to feel about it. I really don't like the unknown. Daddy and I woke up bright and early to head to the doctor's office. On the drive there, I kept wishing I would have a feeling about how things would go, but I didn't. Today we would find out if you, in fact, had Trisomy 18. I'm scared. Everyone else seems to think you are a-okay, sweet baby. Even Aunt Summer found on the internet that there are many, many cases where there is a false positive in the blood screens. I don't have a feeling. I want just a tiny feeling, a little inkling of how things are going to fall. All I felt was nothing. I don't like feeling nothing.
Our genetics counselor is very knowledgeable and kind. Sometimes though, as she explains more and more about Trisomy 18, she does these dramatic pauses while she speaks. Maybe she's giving us a moment to react or let it sink in. Yes, the news is devastating, but there's no way I'm breaking down in this office. She's just doing her job, I know. Each time she paused, I was tempted to just say, "Yes, thank you and continue."
Why am I being touchy? I'm sorry, sweet baby. It's not you. I'm just having a hard time with anxiety at the moment and I just want to know right now if you are okay! I can't help being restless.
Well we learned some comforting news. Though my blood work came back as high risk, there is still only a 5% chance of you having Trisomy 18. To test for Trisomy 18, we have 2 options: ultrasound (about 80% accurate) or amniocentesis (100% accurate).
This should be an easy decision. I'm ready to KNOW! But it's not an easy decision. An amniocentesis can sometimes cause a miscarriage. I'd never forgive myself if you died in this process. The counselor ensured us that her doctor had performed thousands of amnios and never once had a mother to miscarry. She left us alone for a few moments to discuss what we wanted to do. Your daddy is too nice to me. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "We'll do whatever you want to do."
I'm so scared. Only being 17 weeks along, you are not adequately developed enough to tell much about your condition through ultrasound, so we opted to do an amnio. Please, baby, please. Please don't let me hurt you. I couldn't bear it.
When our counselor came back, we told her of our decision. She said that we would still do an ultrasound since its such an easy test. The ultrasound was amazing. Everything looked perfect to me! I couldn't stop smiling. I love to look at you, little baby! You are amazing to me in every way.
One physical defect of T18 is clenched fists. We saw your hand and it was open! We also saw your sweet and precious lips that I can't wait to kiss! Another defect is cleft lip and we could certainly see that your lips were beautiful.
We tried to look and see what you are, but you just kept bouncing and jumping all over the place, so I guess we will have to wait on that. You look so healthy. I'm starting to get that feeling that I was wanting. I think everything is going to be okay.
Next was the amnio. To do this, a nurse uses ultrasound to make sure you are away from the area where the doctor is about to stick his needle. The doctor stuck the enormous needle into my belly and drew out some of the amniotic fluid. It wasn't very comfortable, but I'll endure whatever I have to for you, sweetheart.
So today was a good day. I feel really good and positive that everything is going to be okay. On the way home we had to turn around and go back to the doctor. The nurse forgot to give me my shot of rhogam. On top of all of this, I am Rh-negative. I have to have these injections in case our blood mixes. Its quite likely that you have a positive blood type. If your positive type mixes with my negative type, my body will develop antibodies to try and destroy the "intruder" (you) that's in my body. In other words, we zipped the car around in a flash. Now I have a sore belly and a sore booty.
Oh baby, you are something else! What am I going to do with you? But like I said, we feel good. I wanted a feeling and we got it. We will get our results by Monday, August 31. Take care, sweet baby.
Love, Mommy


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