Mirrors Don't Always Reflect Pretty

October 7, 2010
My sweet Charles Patrick. Twenty-three weeks; only 117 more days until I get to meet you! A dear friend has lent me her heartbeat doppler and its my new favorite toy. I worry about you, so listening to you helps me feel better. I just worry about waiting so long between doctor visits. If something isn't right, I want to know right away since I still don't feel you very regularly.
I know this may be silly, but I count how many beats per minute your little heart beats. I know that 130/140 bpm is pretty good, so I try to count yours. Yesterday I got nervous because during one minute, I only counted 80 beats. In another minute, I only counted 90. I hope  that your hand was in the way or you rolled over or something. Don't scare me sweet boy. Of course, I know I'm not completely accurate by counting. As long as I hear something, I'm relieved.
I also like to listen to you because when I'm real still, you will move and kick me. Its very light, but I feel it. If something is pushing on my belly, you will push back as if you are saying, "Get dat off of me!" I love it, love it, love it!
I had another appointment today at the high-risk doctor. Our ultrasound was first. You are 15 ounces, big boy! You're growing so big and mommy is so proud! The nurse also gave us a 4-D picture of you. It is like a real picture. You look so perfect, I am amazed. You are all mommy has ever dreamed about!
After the ultrasound, the nurse sent us to a little room to wait for the doctor. Its a small room with two chairs, a side table, and a box of tissues. There is a window, but all you can see is the red brick of the next building. Daddy and I were quiet while we waited. I went back and forth between sifting through your ultrasound pictures and staring at the red brick out the window. Daddy finally broke the silence when he started looking at your pictures and joking about how you are all Yeargin.
The doctor came in and I quickly swished your pictures into my purse, so we could listen intently to what he observed from your ultrasound. Mommy has extra fluid in her belly. This can mean a couple of things: #1 maybe nothing, #2 a possibility of preterm labor, or #3 heart failure.
If it is your heart, not only will I have extra fluid in my belly, but there will be extra fluid in you. That's where things can get dangerous. Mommy can develop a "Mirror Syndrome" where everything that is happening to you will happen to me. This really scares your daddy. It scares me a little too, but for some reason I know, I KNOW you won't hurt me.
The doctor says he doesn't need to see me for 6 weeks, but I have to watch for some of these mirror symptoms. It scares me that I won't see him again for 6 weeks. That's too long to wait. The doctor said I can schedule anytime I want to meet my comfort level, but I'm going to try and trust the doctor's suggestion. If he says he doesn't need to see you for 6 weeks, perhaps you look well enough for me to be away from the doctor's office for 6 weeks. Maybe I should be happy about this long stretch. Regardless, the news today was less than good.
I love you sweet boy,
Mommy